It’s barely even 9:00, and I haven’t even left for my trip to Canada yet. My room is covered with things I should probably pack, and there’s a long checklist of the things I need to do running through my head of all the things I need to do before 6am tomorrow morning.
None of that really seems to matter right now though, because I’m all hooked on this feeling and impression I had when we said goodbye tonight. I didn’t think that it was going to be that big of a deal. I’m only going to be gone for a week, and I’m sure we’ll find some way to talk to each other, but still – it’s only a week. But when we stood out on your driveway and I said goodbye realizing that it would be that last time I would see you for a decent amount of time, my heart had an very unexpected drop. At the exact same moment the thought came to me that I didn’t ever want to have to say goodbye to you ever again.
Let me repeat that none of this was expected. I’ve honestly just been looking forward to this trip all week. I need a vacation and I’m going to my favorite vacation spot in the world, but now I’ve got this unexpected sadness that you’re not coming and that I won’t be able to see you. It kind of sucks.
I just wanted to be able to leave without feeling anything. Even eight months (!!!) into this relationship, I keep trying to convince myself that if it were necessary I would be able to detach myself from you without any sort of pain and that I’d be able to move on. It’s starting to become apparent that I’m just fooling myself.
I know we’ve already talked a lot about my own insecurities and problems that I have to deal and why it makes it so hard for me to just let myself be happy for once despite what anyone else thinks, but I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. I get frustrated because I can’t seem to let myself love myself. You’ve made it easier, but there’s still this part of me that just hates who I am, and I wish that it wasn’t so. I know that you love me, but my own doubts about myself make me try and find doubts that you love me. I get frustrated because I just want to be normal, but maybe normal is impossible for me now. And the more time I spend with you (and consequently learn about myself) the more I think that perhaps I was never meant to be “normal.”
There’s a musical I love called Next to Normal. I know, I know, you’ve never heard of it (but I also know you’d watch and listen to it if I asked and gave you a Baja Blast ;) ). It’s basically about this family that’s had a very traumatic past, and a line from one of the songs says, “I don’t need a life that’s normal – that’s way too far away. But something next to normal would be okay.” Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be for me. My own personal doubts and self-criticism are always going to come into play. But being with you always makes me like myself a little bit more, and I always end up liking you even more.
So perhaps there were a couple reasons that I was so…pained to say goodbye to you tonight. I think the majority of it is because I love having you around so much and that you’ve become such an important part of my life. I think another, smaller part might be because I’m going to miss having my best friend around. I’m going to miss the person that I feel most comfortable around and that I can tell anything to, and who I trust the most. I’ll miss you, Kevin. That’s why I’m taking the time to sit down and type all this out. Well, that and because I need to sort it all out in my head.
Now, you know that I’m going to miss you. And I know you’re going to miss me. Even though we’ve both agreed that time apart will be good, I still didn’t expect it to freak me out so much. I promise that I’ll listen to our songs.