There are times when words fail us. Even the most literate and voab-enthused of us will find times when the things we feel and experience are inadequately expressed through words. But if there is one thing that never fails to find a way to express how I feel, it is music.
I could go on and on about the past year of my life and complain endlessly about some parts, while simultaneously praising and smiling about others. But that could easily turn into a novel, and nobody has time for that right now. Instead, I’ve gone through and composed a (very) accurate playlist for the last 12 months. Maybe these songs will give a better idea of how my last year has been better than any monologue could. Let’s start from the beginning:
Pencil Full of Lead – Paolo Nutini
I spent the majority of the summer of 2012 running around Europe. I honestly had no worries about anything. My life was completely fantastic. I was living the dream, and there was only good going on all around me. I was in a dancing mood all the time.
As I rode on train after train and caught bus after bus and waiting in line after line, I had this song playing almost constantly. It made a perfect ‘Traveling Through Europe’ soundtrack, and every time I hear it I can still see myself making my way through the crowd of Rome and speeding through the Italian countryside. Ah, the memories. Good times.
When I Am King – Tim Knol
Skipping ahead a month (I was still in Europe through July), it’s time for another academic year to begin.
Again, things are looking pretty good. Not quite as carefree as the last two months, but I’m all ready to dig in. I’ve got plans, and ain’t nobody gonna take them away from me. I’m thinking of little else but the future and what I want to do with my life. I don’t have any plans on letting anything get in the way, or of letting any distractions come along. I don’t expect any distractions to come along. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it. There is nothing I want or need right now. I am totally good.
Everybody’s Got Somebody But Me – Hunter Hayes
I started spending my weekends at the fall farmer’s market a few minutes from my home. Living in a college town, mushy couples are something you get used to pretty quickly. But dang. It was as if someone decided that farmer’s markets are the hopping romantic place to be, because every. single. week. I was the only person there without some significant other keeping hold of one of my hands.
For the first time in a long time, I started to wish that someone would take an interest in me for once. But hey, I’m used to being the single one, and I was overly concerned with finding a cuddle buddy. I have far more important things to cuddle… I mean… far more important things to think about.
Prove You Wrong – He Is We
Violet Hill - Coldplay
Welcome to the part of the last year where things get really…confusing.
While the lyrics of this classic song are extremely relevant as well, the feel of it is even more applicable. It’s darker and extremely confused. It’s absolutely perfect.
But if you love me, won’t you let me know?
I’ve got two for this month. It deserves two, because it was a very…tough month. I was working a ridiculous amount of hours, my friends had nothing but me complaining and sleeping at awkward times. It was freezing and snowing all the time, there were family emergencies galore, and Christmas was right around the corner. I had finals the week before Christmas, and was working holiday hours. My social life was filled with stress; rumors of my love life began flying around, and I wasn’t even sure how I felt about anybody. It was awful. And so, I narrowed all the feelings down to these two songs:
Tip Toes – Jayme Dee
Please enjoy the complete girly-ness of this songs. Sometimes…that’s just how girls feel, okay? So shut your mouth and deal with it.
The Good Times Are Killing Me – Modest Mouse
Terrible Things – April Smith and the Great Picture Show
Big things happened in January. I made some mistakes, and I freaked out a little (a lot).
If you dig under my feet, you will find things that you don’t want to see….What would you do, if you only knew?
February was one beast of a month. I don’t even want to think about it. It was the single most roller-coaster of emotions month I have ever experienced. Eventually it all boiled down to the fact that I was in denial of my own feelings…about everything.
Please Don’t Say You Love Me – Gabrielle Aplin (who has quickly become one of my favorite artists, by the way)
For the second half of the month, go listen to Backdrifts by Radiohead.
Falling In Love With My Best Friend – Matt White
So along came the beginning of the month…
…and thus Savannah fell into the danger zone. I came to term with my own feelings about this one thing… and it scared the crap out of me. I swore I wasn’t going to let it happen.
And all my other relationships took a backseat, which was definitely all my fault and a horrible mistake. But I’m human, and I have most definitely learned from said mistakes.
Then the end of the month happened…
Love Like A Sunset - Phoenix
I’m not going to go into details here. But the song title, feeling, and lyrics all come into play. If you want an idea of what I’m talking about, see this post. You could also listen to Just A Kiss from Lady Antebellum, if you’re okay with mainstream stuff like that. Oh yay for my one evening of happiness. It all goes downhill (even more) from here, folks.
April. The month from the deepest circle of Hell. First of all, everything – and I mean everything – fell apart. It was just one things after another. One giant, awful explosion of all the tension and emotion that had been building up all year. My heart was broken and confused. My mind was searching everywhere for some explanation that I am never going to get. My soul was ripped in two.
Every single day was just more emotionally wrenching than the last, and I just about broke. But I didn’t. I woke up everyday and pulled myself out of bed. I made myself shower and do my hair. I made myself pick out an outfit and brush my teeth. And I walked around with my head high. It sucked and hurt beyond reason, but I did it.
This song applies on every level, with every relationship that burned down in those few weeks. I was angry and pissed and sad and had just about every emotion coursing through my veins at toxic levels. I wanted everything back to the way it was, but at the same time I just wanted it to all be over and to move on and get a new life. I saw how horrible it would be if I did go back to all that, but I was still attached to the memories and the love I had for all these people. Being a language person, communication is basically the only thing I rely on to convey emotion. And we all know that communication is essential to fixing anything. But for that whole month, there was NO communication, and I was dying. I just wanted to start screaming everything I had inside.
The raw emotion and lyrics in this song just speak the feeling of my soul.
Say It To Me Now - Glen Hansard
I’m trying hard to work it out. But so much has gone misunderstood, and this mystery only leads to doubt. I didn’t understand, when you reached down to take my hand. And if you have something to say, you better say it now. This is what you’ve waited for, your chance to even up the score.
I guess the biggest question is, where do I stand now?
It’s nearly June, and I can safely – completely truthfully – say that everything is better. I have come to cherish the good moments, and not look on them with bitterness. I can look at the bad times without any regret and without any pain coming to stab my heart. I don’t wake up every day thinking about the same things over and over. In fact, I find that I don’t think about any of that much any more. I have so much going for me in the future that I can’t be bothered with being weighed down by the past.
I guess I didn’t realize just how much I was over the events of the last few months until yesterday. I thought that I was the one who had been hung up and holding on, but I got a message about something I hadn’t thought about in weeks. Someone else brought up a name I hadn’t given a thought to in weeks. And then someone else posted a photo that I didn’t even give a second glance at – in fact I started laughing at the fact that this person was still thinking about me. I hadn’t thought about them in… a while.
So how do I feel now? Let’s ask the music:
Lately - The Helio Sequence
Lately, I don’t think of you at all, or wonder what you’re up to or how you’re getting on. I never think of calling you, or how things could have been.
And yes, I’ll admit it (but just this once), that I still feel a little like this once in a while. But not over one person in particular, but just over everything and about everyone in general. Because who doesn’t need a little nostalgia once in a while?
Say Anything – Tristan Prettyman
I would tell you that I loved you, even when it didn’t show. I would tell you that I loved you…by now I hope you know.